Okay so it has been a week since I went on vacation, back home, to see the man I truly love. I asked him to marry me within the first hour of the visit. Then he asked me. We both exchanged rings, it really was sweet. The one thing I truly loved about his moment was the "signs" I had received from my dad. For about a month before the trip, I had been trying to get a sign my from my dad (who even though has been passed away for almost 5 years still has a big say in my life), and I finally got not just one but two signs. They are something special to me that I would rather not share with everyone but I will tell you this they are two VERY BIG signs.
Then after that we really didn't do much but then again we did. I got to go to my first MMA fight. I was pretty excited about that. I am hooked! But it really should be in person to truly enjoy it. I had a really good time being with the man I love, his daughter and his brother.
Then the next day we went and just drove around for a little bit, wanted to go to the cemetery, wanted to go to the festival that was going on but I guess it wasn't meant to be for us to go to that at that particular time. We went to see his best friends son's football game. That was fun. Went to the festival that night. But before that I finally got to meet then son of the man I truly love. That was great, even though it was really a short meeting. I wanted to get to know him more, maybe some other time.
Well then that Sunday came really fast. We went to meet up with his best friend and family for a little while. Then we went to the airport. Well they over booked the flight and so I had to go on standby. We sat in the waiting area for a few minutes and that was the hardest time of it all, because I just didn't want to go and he didn't want to let me go, at least that is the impression I got from the tone in his voice.
Didn't get to make the flight, had to stay at his best friends house. That was nice but then again it was hard because my love was so close and yet so far away.
It has now been exactly one week since I have seen him and it has been the longest week in the history of the world. I miss him so much and I have realized that I just don't belong here. How can I just tell my children that I am going to leave and I will always be here for them? They just don't understand how I feel and how I have felt for a very long time. All they see is that their parents live in the same house and fight over every little thing in the world.
Long story short... I got a very nice promise ring, I gave a very nice promise ring, I got to meet some people, I got to see a fight and a game, I got to enjoy the smells and sounds and sites of my home town again... and I fell in love over again.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day of High Emotions
I know I haven't written in a few days but nothing has been worth writing about until today.
I have had nothing but up and deep down emotions running through me all day today. It started off with when the man that I love told me that his daughter has turned on him and has moved back in with her mother because her mother has money and he can only provide a roof, food, electricity, water and loads and loads of love. He would do anything for her and she doesn't see that at all. All she sees is that her mother can and has bought the love of the daughter that she once had placed a restraining order against her one and only daughter to come within 25 feet of their house. And his daughter seems to forget who was there to pick up the pieces when her mother told her daughter that she hated her and didn't want to have anything to do with her.
Then not too long after that I spoke to the man I love and he was talking to some girl he works with and he was being passionate about something they were discussing and he actually said out loud that he is, "A SINGLE hetrosexual man and didn't really care to watch certain t.v. shows." A SINGLE man? A single man!?!?! It just wounded me pretty badly.
THEN! I was watching one of my favorite television shows and it was about this child who's father had a heart attack and it put him into a coma. The child was having a very hard time dealing with it. Well my father died 4 1/2 years ago. I didn't get to say anything to him "good-bye" is not my favorite word. I absolutely HATE it! So I was having a very hard time watching the show because the child was given the chance to say things to his father that i wished I could have said to mine.... while he could still hear them. I miss him terribly.
NOW... i am having an argument with a friend about how she drinks to deal with the pains in her life... her future potential Master giving her a hard time... her previous Master still having an affect on her daily activities and how much she still cares for him... and how she is having problems with her children and she doesn't want to listen to the ONE friend that is telling her like it is and to get not only the child but the rest of her family the help that they all need... And I swear if she says "sorry" to me one more time I am going to let her have it with both barrels, no holds bared!
I have had nothing but up and deep down emotions running through me all day today. It started off with when the man that I love told me that his daughter has turned on him and has moved back in with her mother because her mother has money and he can only provide a roof, food, electricity, water and loads and loads of love. He would do anything for her and she doesn't see that at all. All she sees is that her mother can and has bought the love of the daughter that she once had placed a restraining order against her one and only daughter to come within 25 feet of their house. And his daughter seems to forget who was there to pick up the pieces when her mother told her daughter that she hated her and didn't want to have anything to do with her.
Then not too long after that I spoke to the man I love and he was talking to some girl he works with and he was being passionate about something they were discussing and he actually said out loud that he is, "A SINGLE hetrosexual man and didn't really care to watch certain t.v. shows." A SINGLE man? A single man!?!?! It just wounded me pretty badly.
THEN! I was watching one of my favorite television shows and it was about this child who's father had a heart attack and it put him into a coma. The child was having a very hard time dealing with it. Well my father died 4 1/2 years ago. I didn't get to say anything to him "good-bye" is not my favorite word. I absolutely HATE it! So I was having a very hard time watching the show because the child was given the chance to say things to his father that i wished I could have said to mine.... while he could still hear them. I miss him terribly.
NOW... i am having an argument with a friend about how she drinks to deal with the pains in her life... her future potential Master giving her a hard time... her previous Master still having an affect on her daily activities and how much she still cares for him... and how she is having problems with her children and she doesn't want to listen to the ONE friend that is telling her like it is and to get not only the child but the rest of her family the help that they all need... And I swear if she says "sorry" to me one more time I am going to let her have it with both barrels, no holds bared!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
A Very Nice Day
Today was a very good day. I had a good day at work. I filled out the application for the position that I was offered. I found out that the girl that I replaced was coming back to take my place. I know I probably shouldn't care but I can't help but think she had something to do with it. So I have to look at moving into this newly created job position as a good time and good work experience. I only hope that she doesn't make me look bad about the job I have been doing these past few months. I am sure that she will do some of that but I just can't care, because I know she will be doing it to make herself look better.
On another note, I just wanted to say that I absolutely adore my new friends. Both of them have been honest, faithful, caring, NON-judgmental, fun, and I am grateful to have them in my life. I just wish the other people(two in particular) could just see how they are in my eyes. It just makes me crazy to hear how others talk to them, upset them and/or disrespect them. I want to just take the others and just slap them into reality and tell them how much they are hurting my friends.
Well it is one week until I go on my trip. I am very nervous and very excited in the same breathe. I am sure that all of my worries will eventually be subsided but there is one GIANT fear that I hope to be proven wrong.
Anyway, I had a pretty good day today.
On another note, I just wanted to say that I absolutely adore my new friends. Both of them have been honest, faithful, caring, NON-judgmental, fun, and I am grateful to have them in my life. I just wish the other people(two in particular) could just see how they are in my eyes. It just makes me crazy to hear how others talk to them, upset them and/or disrespect them. I want to just take the others and just slap them into reality and tell them how much they are hurting my friends.
Well it is one week until I go on my trip. I am very nervous and very excited in the same breathe. I am sure that all of my worries will eventually be subsided but there is one GIANT fear that I hope to be proven wrong.
Anyway, I had a pretty good day today.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
A Promise
Tonight I finally wrote my promise out, to the man I love and want to grow older with. It is a bit long, and maybe a bit corny but it comes straight from the heart. I want to share it with someone, to get their opinion, but unfortunately she is sleeping right now. Her opinion means a lot to me and I can't wait to hear what she thinks. I am going to email it to her as soon as I am done with my blog.
The last few days, I have been really down on myself. I can't explain why except for the fact that I just don't feel like a good person. Like I am not worthy of many many many things. I feel like I am just going through the motions of life and not having any kind of love returned to me.
How do I change it? I don't know. When will it change? I can only hope that my trip is the one thing that will help me change my outlook on life.
The last few days, I have been really down on myself. I can't explain why except for the fact that I just don't feel like a good person. Like I am not worthy of many many many things. I feel like I am just going through the motions of life and not having any kind of love returned to me.
How do I change it? I don't know. When will it change? I can only hope that my trip is the one thing that will help me change my outlook on life.
Monday, September 27, 2010
A Week Gone By
Well a week has gone by and let me fill you in on what has been going on in my life...
Wednesday was nothing exciting. No really... i have been trying to figure out where I belong in the world and what my meaning is on this earth and so far I have not come up with an idea or an answer. I try and try and try to get people to understand how i feel and what it is I am wanting answers for.
Who am I? What is my purpose of being here? Is it just to be a mom? What about being a wife? What about being a friend? Am i just supposed to be a slave for the rest of my life? What about my dreams? What about my desires? What about my wishes and wants? Am I supposed to just bow down and allow others to fulfill their dreams, desires, wishes, and wants before i fulfill mine? Well guess what that is how i feel I am supposed to live my life. Make others happy before I am happy. A lot of times I feel like my needs, are either second rate or non-existent. When is it going to be my turn?
So Thursday I found out that there are more and more rumors going on about me changing my job position. I have been told to deny anything and everything about it. I have been even approached by someone that had heard the rumor, and i had to lie to that person and say i didn't know anything about what they were talking about.
Well tonight I did it! i finally broke things off with my potential slave. I found out that she was looking for someone else to be her "daddy". AND she was proud of the fact that she was talking to him and she claims she told me all about talking to him. And i told her that I was tired of being lied to... i told her i am tired of being constantly let down and then I am also constantly tired of hearing the words... "i'm sorry"... half the time I don't know if she really is apologetic or just saying it as if to pat me on the head and shut me up. I am tired of waiting around for her to get over the extremely strong feelings she had for MY Master. she was in love with the man and he was not the only taken Master she has been in love with. I told her it is over and that we are only friends..
Friday night I was not feeling good... I had physical therapy an d it went well but i was getting a terrible headache so I went to bed super early. so work went alright, nothing exciting, then physical therapy, came... he gave me a couple more exercises and then I got tapped you across my back (Like a giant "X" in the middle of my back done by tape.
Saturday came along and it was almost a nice day, I got to sleep late, 0830. Got more of the laundry separated but not started, and just surfed the internet as well as got caught up on some reading. It was nice, even though we went to his parents house. We had fun, we got to watch the football game, college teams, separate and yet equally good teams and we had fun doing it. had a about a bottle of wine to drink and it was really nice to finally let my hair down.
Got home and went straight to bed. I was getting my headache back for some reason and It was going into play full force. I went to bed and eventually i got to talk to my other Master. He was getting excited and was getting me excited about the trip I am going to make in 12 days.
Sunday... aaa hhh Sunday... laundry day, and cleaning house day... blah!! The boys went outside to work in the yard while I sat inside the house, did laundry and did some more surfing on the internet. The boys decided that playing and fixing things in the yard was not their cup of tea so they decided that I was going to make homemade chicken noodle soup. It is not a difficult thing to do. Heck the most difficult thing to do is remember where I put the stupid recipe for the noodles. haha...
Well the soup was done and man was it good!!! I think I had two big bowls full of it. After supper the man I live with decided to make a joke and holler for me to meet him upstairs. he looked at me dead in the face and said, "come here and have dirty sex with me..." he should know that in 20 years of our relationship together, that like does not work for me, when he says it... I don't want to have sex with the man and he can't seem to get that through his thick skull! So I giggled and walked back down stairs. bluck!
Went to bed early so i could be awake to talk to the man I love and it was a very fun conversation. I told him that when I come out there that i wanted to kiss him, and have a long talk with him. That made him really nervous because he didn't know what it meant when I said that. Little does he know that all i wanted to do is just make him a little bit nervous but I will tell you that I accidentally made him a lot nervous.
All in all this past few days, mostly the weekend, I did not get to talk to a couple of friends of mine because they were not home and I was busy as to not being on my chats. I sure did miss them very much, even though I was busy and I know they were busy too. i really enjoy talking to them a lot.
Wednesday was nothing exciting. No really... i have been trying to figure out where I belong in the world and what my meaning is on this earth and so far I have not come up with an idea or an answer. I try and try and try to get people to understand how i feel and what it is I am wanting answers for.
Who am I? What is my purpose of being here? Is it just to be a mom? What about being a wife? What about being a friend? Am i just supposed to be a slave for the rest of my life? What about my dreams? What about my desires? What about my wishes and wants? Am I supposed to just bow down and allow others to fulfill their dreams, desires, wishes, and wants before i fulfill mine? Well guess what that is how i feel I am supposed to live my life. Make others happy before I am happy. A lot of times I feel like my needs, are either second rate or non-existent. When is it going to be my turn?
So Thursday I found out that there are more and more rumors going on about me changing my job position. I have been told to deny anything and everything about it. I have been even approached by someone that had heard the rumor, and i had to lie to that person and say i didn't know anything about what they were talking about.
Well tonight I did it! i finally broke things off with my potential slave. I found out that she was looking for someone else to be her "daddy". AND she was proud of the fact that she was talking to him and she claims she told me all about talking to him. And i told her that I was tired of being lied to... i told her i am tired of being constantly let down and then I am also constantly tired of hearing the words... "i'm sorry"... half the time I don't know if she really is apologetic or just saying it as if to pat me on the head and shut me up. I am tired of waiting around for her to get over the extremely strong feelings she had for MY Master. she was in love with the man and he was not the only taken Master she has been in love with. I told her it is over and that we are only friends..
Friday night I was not feeling good... I had physical therapy an d it went well but i was getting a terrible headache so I went to bed super early. so work went alright, nothing exciting, then physical therapy, came... he gave me a couple more exercises and then I got tapped you across my back (Like a giant "X" in the middle of my back done by tape.
Saturday came along and it was almost a nice day, I got to sleep late, 0830. Got more of the laundry separated but not started, and just surfed the internet as well as got caught up on some reading. It was nice, even though we went to his parents house. We had fun, we got to watch the football game, college teams, separate and yet equally good teams and we had fun doing it. had a about a bottle of wine to drink and it was really nice to finally let my hair down.
Got home and went straight to bed. I was getting my headache back for some reason and It was going into play full force. I went to bed and eventually i got to talk to my other Master. He was getting excited and was getting me excited about the trip I am going to make in 12 days.
Sunday... aaa hhh Sunday... laundry day, and cleaning house day... blah!! The boys went outside to work in the yard while I sat inside the house, did laundry and did some more surfing on the internet. The boys decided that playing and fixing things in the yard was not their cup of tea so they decided that I was going to make homemade chicken noodle soup. It is not a difficult thing to do. Heck the most difficult thing to do is remember where I put the stupid recipe for the noodles. haha...
Well the soup was done and man was it good!!! I think I had two big bowls full of it. After supper the man I live with decided to make a joke and holler for me to meet him upstairs. he looked at me dead in the face and said, "come here and have dirty sex with me..." he should know that in 20 years of our relationship together, that like does not work for me, when he says it... I don't want to have sex with the man and he can't seem to get that through his thick skull! So I giggled and walked back down stairs. bluck!
Went to bed early so i could be awake to talk to the man I love and it was a very fun conversation. I told him that when I come out there that i wanted to kiss him, and have a long talk with him. That made him really nervous because he didn't know what it meant when I said that. Little does he know that all i wanted to do is just make him a little bit nervous but I will tell you that I accidentally made him a lot nervous.
All in all this past few days, mostly the weekend, I did not get to talk to a couple of friends of mine because they were not home and I was busy as to not being on my chats. I sure did miss them very much, even though I was busy and I know they were busy too. i really enjoy talking to them a lot.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Bad Mental Day
Today, all day, I have been having a bad mental day. i have been really trying to find a way to dig myself out of this huge hole I am in and I can not find a way to get myself out of it. Someone that I have barely known but only what seems like a couple of short months asked me today if I was alright, that he could tell there is something wrong with me, and we haven't even ever seen each other or spoken to each other in weeks. He said he could tell there was something wrong just by the way I was typing something. Then the girl that I am supposed to be "girlfriends" with, gives up on me and just says that we are no longer girlfriends and that we are just friends. She was talking to me and I was just getting to the part where I was going to open up to her and she freakin' turned it on about her being a slave and slaves don't have the right to force themselves upon someone. It ended up being about HER!!! Can't she just be a friend for 5 minutes? Why does it have to ALWAYS be about being a slave and a Dom? Why can't it ever just be about friendship? Did she even bother to ask if there was something wrong with me? Did she stick her neck out to say, I have noticed you have been quiet distant, is everything alright? NO! Instead what do I get? As a slave..... blah blah blah!
On another note, I was given the grand privilege of getting to share some pictures a couple of friends took today. They were very gorgeous! The colors of the butterflies and flowers were spectacular and vibrant. Then at the end they showed me a couple of pictures that looked like they were taken at dusk, the shape of the clouds you could see a butterfly. That made me tear up a little bit.i am so greatful that they shared their pictures with me.
16 days and counting until I get to go on my vacation. I hope i have as much fun as I anticipate I will.
On another note, I was given the grand privilege of getting to share some pictures a couple of friends took today. They were very gorgeous! The colors of the butterflies and flowers were spectacular and vibrant. Then at the end they showed me a couple of pictures that looked like they were taken at dusk, the shape of the clouds you could see a butterfly. That made me tear up a little bit.i am so greatful that they shared their pictures with me.
16 days and counting until I get to go on my vacation. I hope i have as much fun as I anticipate I will.
Monday, September 20, 2010
More Explainations
Today I had to make the decision on taking the other job that was offered to me last Friday. This job that i am speaking of is moving from being the Production Administration Assistant, but being the Inventory Administrative Assistant. I was told by my boss that it was completely up to me. Let me start over...
Okay.. here is the situation. I had just started working at Levi about 9 months ago working as the Production Admin Asst. Last Friday they offered me the job of Inventory Admin Assist for the entire building. Apparently, the supervisor and coordinator are knee deep in paperwork, so much so that they are unable to concentrate on their own jobs. So apparently my boss and the general manager of the plant, thinks that I would be a good fit in Inventory. I was given until today, Monday, to decide. Well I had a couple of questions but all in all I think that it was going to be a good thing for me, lots of more experience and more for the resume ya know. Anyway, long story semi short, I found out that my boss and the general manager proposed an offer to the girl that I replaced. She claims that it wasn't for my job, which I tend to believe her. My issues was do i take the job offer or do I stay where I am at.
I thought about it and I am going to go ahead and take the Inventory job. The inventory supervisor, Nancy, called me this morning and we had a long chat about how she heard the girl I replaced. Beth, was offered the job and how Nancy didn't really want Beth in that position because Beth seemed to be a bit of a snob and really would only do as little work as she could however comma she was considered "Superwoman" at what she did. Big shoes to follow, which made it really a difficult thing to do. I know I am one hell of an assistant but when it seems like all i do is try and prove myself.
What do you think?
Okay.. here is the situation. I had just started working at Levi about 9 months ago working as the Production Admin Asst. Last Friday they offered me the job of Inventory Admin Assist for the entire building. Apparently, the supervisor and coordinator are knee deep in paperwork, so much so that they are unable to concentrate on their own jobs. So apparently my boss and the general manager of the plant, thinks that I would be a good fit in Inventory. I was given until today, Monday, to decide. Well I had a couple of questions but all in all I think that it was going to be a good thing for me, lots of more experience and more for the resume ya know. Anyway, long story semi short, I found out that my boss and the general manager proposed an offer to the girl that I replaced. She claims that it wasn't for my job, which I tend to believe her. My issues was do i take the job offer or do I stay where I am at.
I thought about it and I am going to go ahead and take the Inventory job. The inventory supervisor, Nancy, called me this morning and we had a long chat about how she heard the girl I replaced. Beth, was offered the job and how Nancy didn't really want Beth in that position because Beth seemed to be a bit of a snob and really would only do as little work as she could however comma she was considered "Superwoman" at what she did. Big shoes to follow, which made it really a difficult thing to do. I know I am one hell of an assistant but when it seems like all i do is try and prove myself.
What do you think?
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