A Very Nice Day

Today was a very good day.  I had a good day at work.  I filled out the application for the position that I was offered.  I found out that the girl that I replaced was coming back to take my place.  I know I probably shouldn't care but I can't help but think she had something to do with it.  So I have to look at moving into this newly created job position as a good time and good work experience.  I only hope that she doesn't make me look bad about the job I have been doing these past few months.  I am sure that she will do some of that but I just can't care, because I know she will be doing it to make herself look better.

On another note, I just wanted to say that I absolutely adore my new friends.  Both of them have been honest, faithful, caring, NON-judgmental, fun, and I am grateful to have them in my life.  I just wish the other people(two in particular) could just see how they are in my eyes.  It just makes me crazy to hear how others talk to them, upset them and/or disrespect them.  I want to just take the others and just slap them into reality and tell them how much they are hurting my friends.

Well it is one week until I go on my trip.  I am very nervous and very excited in the same breathe.  I am sure that all of my worries will eventually be subsided but there is one GIANT fear that I hope to be proven wrong.

Anyway, I had a pretty good day today.

A Promise

Tonight I finally wrote my promise out, to the man I love and want to grow older with.  It is a bit long, and maybe a bit corny but it comes straight from the heart.  I want to share it with someone, to get their opinion, but unfortunately she is sleeping right now. Her opinion means a lot to me and I can't wait to hear what she thinks.  I am going to email it to her as soon as I am done with my blog.

The last few days, I have been really down on myself.  I can't explain why except for the fact that I just don't feel like a good person.  Like I am not worthy of many many many things.  I feel like I am just going through the motions of life and not having any kind of love returned to me.

How do I change it?  I don't know.  When will it change?  I can only hope that my trip is the one thing that will help me change my outlook on life.

A Week Gone By

Well a week has gone by and let me fill you in on what has been going on in my life...

Wednesday was nothing exciting.  No really...  i have been trying to figure out where I belong in the world and what my meaning is on this earth and so far I have not come up with an idea or an answer.  I try and try and try to get people to understand how i feel and what it is I am wanting answers for.

Who am I?  What is my purpose of being here?  Is it just to be a mom?  What about being a wife? What about being a friend?  Am i just supposed to be a slave for the rest of my life?  What about my dreams?  What about my desires? What about my wishes and wants?  Am I supposed to just bow down and allow others to fulfill their dreams, desires, wishes, and wants before i fulfill mine?  Well guess what that is how i feel I am supposed to live my life.  Make others happy before I am happy. A lot of times I feel like my needs, are either second rate or non-existent.  When is it going to be my turn?

So Thursday I found out that there are more and more rumors going on about me changing my job position.  I have been told to deny anything and everything about it.  I have been even approached by someone that had heard the rumor, and i had to lie to that person and say i didn't know anything about what they were talking about. 

Well tonight I did it!  i finally broke things off with my potential slave.  I found out that she was looking for someone else to be her "daddy".  AND she was proud of the fact that she was talking to him and she claims she told me all about talking to him.  And i told her that I was tired of being lied to... i told her i am tired of being constantly let down and then I am also constantly tired of hearing the words... "i'm sorry"... half the time I don't know if she really is apologetic or just saying it as if to pat me on the head and shut me up.  I am tired of waiting around for her to get over the extremely strong feelings she had for MY Master.  she was in love with the man and he was not the only taken Master she has been in love with.  I told her it is over and that we are only friends..

Friday night I was not feeling good... I had physical therapy an d it went well  but i was getting a terrible headache so I went to bed super early.  so work went alright, nothing exciting, then physical therapy, came... he gave me a couple more exercises and then I got tapped you across my back (Like a giant "X" in the middle of my back done by tape.

Saturday came along and it was almost a nice day, I got to sleep late, 0830.  Got more of the laundry separated but not started, and just surfed the internet as well as got caught up on some reading.  It was nice, even though we went to his parents house.  We had fun, we got to watch the football game,  college teams, separate and yet equally good teams and we had fun doing it.  had a about a bottle of wine to drink and it was really nice to finally let my hair down.

Got home and went straight to bed.  I was getting my headache back for some reason and It was going into play full force.  I went to bed and eventually i got to talk to my other Master.  He was getting excited and was getting me excited about the trip I am going to make in 12 days.

Sunday... aaa hhh Sunday... laundry day, and cleaning house day... blah!!  The boys went outside to work in the yard while I sat inside the house, did laundry and did some more surfing on the internet.  The boys decided that playing and fixing things in the yard was not their cup of tea so they decided that I was going to make homemade chicken noodle soup.  It is not a difficult thing to do.  Heck the most difficult thing to do is remember where I put the stupid recipe for the noodles.  haha...

Well the soup was done and man was it good!!!  I think I had two big bowls full of it.  After supper the man I live with decided to make a joke and holler for me to meet him upstairs.  he looked at me dead in the face and said, "come here and have dirty sex with me..."  he should know that in 20 years of our relationship together, that like does not work for me, when he says it...  I don't want to have sex with the man and he can't seem to get that through his thick skull! So I giggled and walked back down stairs.  bluck!

Went to bed early so i could be awake to talk to the man I love and it was a very fun conversation.  I told him that when I come out there that i wanted to kiss him, and have a long talk with him.  That made him really nervous because he didn't know what it meant when I said that.  Little does he know that all i wanted to do is just make him a little bit nervous but I will tell you that I accidentally made him a lot nervous.

All in all this past few days, mostly the weekend, I did not get to talk to a couple of friends of mine because they were not home and I was busy as to not being on my chats.  I sure did miss them very much, even though I was busy and I know they were busy too.  i really enjoy talking to them a lot.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Bad Mental Day

Today, all day, I have been having a bad mental day.  i have been really trying to find a way to dig myself out of this huge hole I am in and I can not find a way to get myself out of it.  Someone that I have barely known but only what seems like a couple of short months asked me today if I was alright, that he could tell there is something wrong with me, and we haven't even ever seen each other or spoken to each other in weeks.  He said he could tell there was something wrong just by the way I was typing something.  Then the girl that I am supposed to be "girlfriends" with,  gives up on me and just says that we are no longer girlfriends and that we are just friends.  She was talking to me and I was just getting to the part where I was going to open up to her and she freakin' turned it on about her being a slave and slaves don't have the right to force themselves upon someone.  It ended up being about HER!!!  Can't she just be a friend for 5 minutes?  Why does it have to ALWAYS be about being a slave and a Dom?  Why can't it ever just be about friendship?  Did she even bother to ask if there was something wrong with me?  Did she stick her neck out to say, I have noticed you have been quiet distant, is everything alright?  NO!  Instead what do I get?  As a slave.....  blah blah blah!

On another note, I was given the grand privilege of getting to share some pictures a couple of friends took today.  They were very gorgeous!  The colors of the butterflies and flowers were spectacular and vibrant. Then at the end they showed me a couple of pictures that looked like they were taken at dusk, the shape of the clouds you could see a butterfly.  That made me tear up a little bit.i am so greatful that they shared their pictures with me.

16 days and counting until I get to go on my vacation.  I hope i have as much fun as I anticipate I will.

More Explainations

Today I had to make the decision on taking the other job that was offered to me last Friday.  This job that i am speaking of is moving from being the Production Administration Assistant, but being the Inventory Administrative Assistant.  I was told by my boss that it was completely up to me.  Let me start over...

Okay.. here is the situation.  I had just started working at Levi about 9 months ago working as the Production Admin Asst.  Last Friday they offered me the job of Inventory Admin Assist for the entire building.  Apparently, the supervisor and coordinator are knee deep in paperwork, so much so that they are unable to concentrate on their own jobs.  So apparently my boss and the general manager of the plant, thinks that I would be a good fit in Inventory.  I was given until today, Monday, to decide.  Well I had a couple of questions but all in all I think that it was going to be a good thing for me, lots of more experience and more for the resume ya know.  Anyway, long story semi short, I found out that my boss and the general manager proposed an offer to the girl that I replaced.  She claims that it wasn't for my job, which I tend to believe her.  My issues was do i take the job offer or do I stay where I am at. 

I thought about it and I am going to go ahead and take the Inventory job.  The inventory supervisor, Nancy, called me this morning and we had a long chat about how she heard the girl I replaced. Beth,  was offered the job and how Nancy didn't really want Beth in that position because Beth seemed to be a bit of a snob and really would only do as little work as she could however comma she was considered "Superwoman" at what she did.  Big shoes to follow, which made it really a difficult thing to do.  I know I am one hell of an assistant but when it seems like all i do is try and prove myself. 

What do you think?

Time to Get Caught Up

Well where do I begin.  I would first like to apologize to those that have been reading this, I have had a lot on my mind since the last entry and i know it probably would have been better to "talk" it out, however comma I have been doing just the opposite and tucking away in my shell.  I don't know I am doing it until I am told I am doing it so I apologize.

Now What happened?  I got offered another job, within the company that I work for.  I would like to take this bot but what really bothers me is that the girl that I replaced came in and on the sly, talked to my boss and from what I understand she asked for her job back.  I like my job.  I like where I am at right now, however I like the idea of learning something new and being a part of a new crew (so to speak), but I don't like the idea that she has just walked right in and basically stabbing me in the back and taking my job.  I know i can do the new job very easily.  It just makes me feel like I am not doing a good enough job, if she can just come in like that and ask for her job like that.  Does that make sense?  I hope so.

Then there was yesterday....  yesterday... wow yesterday...  I saw a side of the man I live with in a whole new light.  He really showed me how much of a double standard kind of guy he really is.  He does not see it that way, I am sure, but it sure was double standard.  Without going into too many details, let's just say, he had better not complain of pain any more, or complain about me complaining about pains and not wanting to go to the doctors.

Today was a different story.  It was actually a good day.  I will not say great because the man I live with kept trying to pick fights with me most of the day, until we got to our final destination, the Renissance Fair.  I had a good time, there were a couple of things I would have liked to purchase but I am sure I can purchase them somewhere else in town.  I hope.  But I was able to get a black lace parasol.  I am very happy about that.  Now I have a white one and a black one.  The most difficult part of it all was the fact that I was with the cheapest man alive and that was going to kill me and our son, but I just sucked it up after I got my parasol.  That was the main reason I wanted to go anyway.

So now you are caught up with me.  I understand that this is the abridged version, but I have been told that I have a tendancy to ramble/babble and that isn't a good thing.

Hope you are all having a good day!

xoxo

Things that I Miss

Today I was very busy at work.  Which is something that I absolutely love, as much as I may complain about it, I still love it.  I would much rather be busy then bored.  Sometimes, like today, I created work for myself.  And let me tell you, it was fun, because I not only got to tell some people off, in my own "nice" way. 

Tonight, while sitting on the couch (while trying to forget about the pain I am in), thinking about the things that I miss in my life.  I miss true friendship.  I had a friend in high school, that I know I would love to have her closer to me.  I never really had one since.  I have had one friend since then but her and I keep loosing touch with each other.  

Worst Pain in a While

Today I have experienced the worst pain I have had in a very very long time.  Not only was it in my shoulder, but in my side as well.  I have a thing called I/C or better known as painful bladder syndrome.  I had to have some of the nerves around my bladder deadened and now I will be on medication for the rest of my life.  This also comes with a new life change for my diet as well.  I am not supposed to have ANY caffeine (meaning coffee of any kind or soda pop of any kind) or chocolate or even alcohol to a degree.  There are quiet a few other things that i am supposed to avoid, like most tomato based sauces, white onions, things like that.  Well needless to say I had a slice of pizza last night and it had all of the things I am supposed to avoid on it.  I know it was a bad thing but I have been doing so well I wanted to give it a try.  WOW! I won't be doing that again.

Other then that I am once again frustrated with my friend.  I am no longer going to call her my potential pet.  She just keeps ticking me off so much that it really makes me want to just stay just friends with her.  Now she is telling me that a co-worker is wanting to throw a party this weekend and she is thinking about going.  Now the clinchers... #1.  The co-worker is a bit younger then she is; #2. She is married; #3. She claims that her husband ASSUMES he is invited; #4. The party is at a hotel. 

She has so much potential to save her marriage but she does not seem to want to and that just makes me so angry.  All she keeps saying is "I am sorry for letting you down"...  " I am sorry"...  "I am sorry for disappointing you".  That just chaps my backside when she says that anymore.  It is hard to tell if she is telling me this to just shut me up or if she really means it.

New topic.....  It is only 21 1/2 days before I am on my trip.  I have only a few things that I really want to and have to do...  I want to go to a special park, I have to go visit the cemetery my grandparents are buried in, I have to go to the see the hot air balloons, and i would like to go and see a girlfriend, even if it is for lunch or drinks.  Those are the only things that I truly want to do while I am there.  I do need to go and do a little shopping, but I know I can do that while I am at the fiesta. But the one thing that I truly want to do is just touch and hold and kiss the one man that I have held a special place in my heart and loved from a far since I was 17 years old.  THAT I can't wait for.

Getting Caught Up

Today was a good day at work.  I had to do a bunch of work but it was good productive work.  Which I like.

Then this evening, I got to get caught up with my mom.  We got to caught up about my grandmother, who is living with her.  And she is making my mom crazy.  My grama will not leave the house and it is making my mom crazy.  I don't understand why she won't leave, she is still able to get around, sometimes with the assistance of someone else.  She has been this way since my grampa passed away.  I think it is fear of the unknown of what is going to happen.  My grama gets really upset when my mom has to do run some errands, so what happens is when my mom has to go out for something, not only does she call my grama, but I have to call her as well.  I don't mind, i just want to see my grama happy and she doesn't seem to be happy cooped up.

Then my mom and I talked about sex and how much we both miss it and how we have survived all these years with having such bad sex, that once we have both found someone that has given us great/fabulous/innovative/imaginative/fabulous/wonderful/actual orgasmic sex, that neither one of us wants to go back.  (BTW... my dad passed away 4 1/2 yrs ago.) 

Anyway, I spoke to my eventually maybe never potential pet tonight and I really didn't feel like it but I figured that I had better or she is going to bug others and find out why I was being the way i was being.  I was closed off and short answered with her.  I am just afraid that if I am not then the drama in her life (or the drama that she imagines up) will come to the surface and then come into my life.  I do not want that nor do i need it.  I am finally getting to a place where I was before she was in my life and I was actually happier then.  I want that happiness again.  Is that too much to ask?

3 weeks

Well  it has been 3 weeks and what a ride.  The last three weeks has been a wonderful time.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  I was thinking there was going to be a few more frustrations and yet there were only a couple, at least on my part, times that were frustrating but it was only on my part.  I know that did not make any sense what so ever, but I also can not and won't speak for any of the other parties involved in the last 3 weeks.  I just hope that I did not disappoint anyone, as much as I disappointed myself. 

Today was a typical Sunday.  I did laundry, I cleaned up a little bit but the most fun thing is I got to paint.  I am working on a couple of books that are about me.  One is titled, "I Am"...  the pages are all things that I am... creative, a dreamer, lover of nature,  full of hope, love, faith and happiness... things like that.  That one I finished.  The new one is titled, "My favorite things are..." .  I am planning on putting in the book pages like, "love of animals (stuffed and real), food, shoes, wine, and crafting (scrap~booking, crocheting, knitting, sewing, etc).  Those are just a few things I am going to put in this book.  I can't wait to finish it so I can show it off.

Last Day Task

Today I had a task that kept me inspired all day.  I was told to take a picture at least one hour from the moment I woke up until the time I went to bed.  Well I am laying in bed now and so I suppose I am done with my pictures.  Of course I was over analyzing everything I took a picture of.  I just hope they are liked as much as I like them.  I know I could have taken more but shoulda, woulda, coulda.. ya know?

On another up side, I was able to see my oldest son and how his apartment/dorm room is turning out.  It is really coming together and i am happy about that.  I would have liked to have it look a bit more home like but he is only 20 and I can't keep tabs on him forever.  Even though I would love to just take him and tuck him away, I know I have to let him grow up.

On another note, I got hollered at while I was in a major shopping store.  OOOHHH  That was fun.  I just enjoy getting hollered at and embarrassed while in public.  I told the man I was with was being a little to bossy and a lot frugal for anyone's good.  It was getting annoying, especially the way he was saying it...  "Cheap!.  We have to go cheap!...  This one is $13 but this is $10.  That one is how much??"  I understand $3 can add up once in a while but dang!  If the $13 one is the better product then let's get the $13 one...  THEN when we were leaving said store, we needed to cross the road to get to our car, some cars would not stop, then when one car stopped (but not soon enough for him) he pushed me out of the way and then took the other end of the shopping cart and pulled it and me in a huff and hollered "Let's go.  I can't believe that no one would stop! There is a stop sign for Christ's sake!"  What a jerk!

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...  Not much happening tomorrow...  just the usual Sunday routine...  Going to do laundry, and clean my room.  On the up side... my oldest child is going to come and visit and pick up some stuff for his apartment/dorm room.  YEAH!

Depression

Tonight, I am a bit depressed.  I am feeling very lonely tonight.  I haven't done much today...  After work I was given a ride home, then I was picked back up to go get my vehicle from the mechanical shop, then went to the grocery store, then ate supper.  After that we ate supper, i went up stairs to my room and tried to craft.  I started to but i just wasn't in the mood.  So I turned on my computer, talked to a good friend, and watched a couple of episodes of my favorite sci-fi  show and organized my ribbon.  RIBBON!!!  I organized ribbon!!!  How pathetic is that?  Talk about depression and loneliness!!!

I finally get to talk to the man I love.  I was hoping for a little reassurance that all is going to be well and that I would get to talk to him later.  But all I got was have you heard from your potential pet...  HAVE I HEARD FROM MY POTENTIAL PET?!?!?!?!?!!?  WTH!!!  I am not really wanting to hear from her until she has actually proven to me that she wants to be my pet...  All she keeps doing is telling me things like she has a guy that she works with that want HER to be HIS Mistress... things like she has figured out why and what kind of love she has for the man I am in love with.  I don't understand it at all!  Maybe I am not meant to understand.  Maybe I am not supposed to understand it at all. 

Sharing

Tonight I was privileged enough to have some pictures shared with me.  The are such beautiful pictures.  i wish I had the eye to do that.  I am see such beautiful things around me and at times, i wish I did have my camera with me, but I never do and just when I start to carry it with me I forget to stop and enjoy my surroundings.

I also shared some of my favorite pictures with him.  I hope he saw the beauty in those pictures that I did.

One of these days I will be able to be that talented.

On another note, I was chatting with my potential pet, and let me just tell you, she had me so frustrated that I was about to end not only the pet part of it but I was about to end our friendship as well.  She had me doing something that i do not like to do... holler and curse...  that is something that just does not sit well with me...

i am at a loss with her.  She wants me to "defend her honor" and tell her that I will protect her from whatever upsets her, but I don't know how much more I can tell her.  I have come right out and told her that I am going to try my best to protect her, that I will defend her when i feel she needs to be defended, but she has also told me things that I find so hard to believe that I don't know what to do or what to believe.  Maybe one of these days she will be able to explain things to me.. but who knows maybe that one day may be too late. Guess only time will tell.

Romance... Overrated? I think not

Romance... Is it over rated?  Is it something that is over looked these days?  No i don't think it is over rated.  Yes, I do think it is over looked, well at least in my life lately.  I try and try to put romance in my life and it still seems the harder I try the further away it is.  I LOVE ROMANCE!!!  I love a good sappy movie that I have seen 1000 times and still can make me cry.  I love to be given flowers, but not just some store bought flowers.  I want some day to have someone pull over to the side of the road, pick a flower, bring it home to me and say, "I was thinking of you on my way home." 

Or what about dancing in the rain with the man or woman you love?  And not just slow dancing but maybe dancing an old twist. 

I am in a romantic mood, heaven only knows why.  i don't have anyone close by to share this with. 

I had to take some work home tonight and i got it all done in only 2 1/2 hours.  It's amazing what you can get done when you are left alone.  Now i am done with work and I am almost done with being on the computer for the night... 

I hope to talk to the man I have been in love with since I was 16/17 years old.  And if you know how old i am that is a heck of a long time.  i think I am going to go to bed and dream of having his arms around me while I am entertaining other guests.  So this is where I say "ADO!" 

A Day of Mourning

Today is a sad day in my family.  Today my dad would have been 58 years old.  I can't believe that he would have been 58 today.  I can't believe that he has been gone for almost 5 years.  I can't believe that my children did not really get the chance to get to know their grandfather and know what kind of great man he really was.  Oh sure there were times when he was an S.O.B. to me... but what kid at one point in their lives don't think that about their parents.  My main problem is, I told him that, maybe not to his face but over the phone.  It was a very bad time in my life and I just felt that he wasn't listening to me.  I don't know if he ever knew I didn't truly mean it.  Don't you think so?  Do you think that he knew that i thought he could truly walk on water and leap tall buildings in a single bound? I sure do miss him!  I wish I had 5 more minutes with him.  i wish I could have told him how much I loved him and how much I just wanted to be his special little girl.  I will never forget the one time he told me he was actually proud of me.  He told me that I was a good mother, once.  My oldest was about 3 then.  I sure do miss him.  I wonder if he ever forgave me.  I wonder if he ever knew that I forgave him... 

I wonder if he ever knew how much I truly love him even to this day...

Blah! Blah! Blah!

Blah!  That is how I feel about myself and my life today.  Blah!  I felt like I did not belong inside my own body.  Blah!  I have felt like I am sitting outside my physical body and was just looking in.  Blah!  I try and bring myself up but then I get pushed right back down!  Blah! All I wanted to do today is just lay in bed and not get dressed nor do anything but watch tv and/or read.  Blah!

Today we went to a place called the Levee.  It is down by the Ohio River.  I absolutely do not like the water at all.  I can not put my face in the water even when i am in the shower.  So for me to even go near the river was a big step.  Did anyone notice that?  NO!  What happened instead?  I was taken by the hand and was escorted to look at the big river paddle boats.  THEY ARE ON THE RIVER!  I don't even like driving on a bridge over the water and i am taken over to look at them!!!  Then I started to back up away from the ledge, even though there is another wall before you even get close to the water, I got made fun of.  I am sure that it was out of good humor so I could relax, however i could not get over the fact that the water was RIGHT there. 

I know I didn't used to be that way.  I used to love to go to the beach.  I used to love to go swimming, even though I was not a very strong swimmer.  What did me in was when I tried to walk into the ocean and never come out again.  Yes I mean I tried to kill myself, so my children had a better life without their crazy mother around them.  I am glad I did not succeed.  However it is days like today i wonder what i am doing here.

I am sure there is a higher being that has an answer to that, I just wish I could find out what it is....

Don't feel sorry for me.  This is how my life is and has been for a very long time...  I just can't wait until I am at a point in my life where I can change it.

Lazy Day

Today started off with high hopes that it was going to be a fun filled day of going out and being in public.  That lasted as long as about an hourish.  Not even that.  We drove all the way up to one store and walked around that, then we had to go home because my husband's back was bothering him terribly. 

Turned out to be a crappy evening...

Embarrassed and Bored

Today I was doing good, I got laundry done at a decent hour.  I was even being good and cleaning my room up so that it didn't look like a tornado had hit it.  Then the males in the house came home from fishing, and they decided that they wanted to go and do something.  I suggested we go and actually sit down at a restaurant to eat, then we can go anywhere from there.  Well we tried this new place, it was very good, but I got embarrassed at that place too.  Apparently I am not allowed to speak for myself.  Apparently I can't decided what is good for me and what isn't.  AND apparently I am not the only one that is to know it.. the others at the table needed to know this information but so does the waitress as well.  My husband decided to tell the waitress that I have a condition nicknamed I/C and that I am not allowed to have anything spicy or that has onions in it or any thing with pickles in it.  This information is true HOWEVER COMMA is it anyone else's business but mine and MAYBE the people at the table but that is it...  But I suppose me being __ __ years old (no i don't want to say it out loud) means that I am unable to think for myself and care for myself.

But what do I know?

Well this evening I was talking to my potential pet on the phone and MAN!!!  Was that boring.  I don't know if it was beccause I was tired OR because I hardly got a word in edgewise or because I really didn't want to talk to her.  Who knows it could be a combination of all three.  That is kind of sad but I just was not in the mood to talk to her.  It has been quiet a while since I had talked to her so I figured it was only the right thing to do.

One too Many

One too many... I haven't said that in a very long time.  And now I know why.  Actually last night I did.  This morning I have a bit of a headache but I will be fine. I just really felt I needed to forget about my sorrow.  Drown the dramas out of my head.  Of course I should have known that you can't drown out any of the sorrows or the dramas, or pains away.  They may all go away for a brief moment but then they are back the next day.  This is why i don't drink this much and/or that often.  But I did have a good time and had a couple of laughs, that was part of my main goal.  I am glad I did go.  I was debating on going at all but I am glad I did.  I think... NO... I know I will do it again but I will not drink that much again... even at home.

A Rare Occassion

Today was a very rare day.  I was in a good mood for most of the day.  I woke up in a good mood, was even dancing in my chair at my desk.  But I feel a little guilty about it, just a little mind you.  I told someone a fib as to shy I was in a good mood.  I didn't want to hurt her feelings and tell her that yes it is because a weight has dropped off my shoulders because of her not giving me any drama about being my sub or slave or whatever it is she may call it. 

Then when I make the announcement that I am in a good mood, i get an attitude from her about what is going on between her and her husband.  The thing is all i wanted to do is help her with the current and her and eye so even ore say,

Where am I going wrong?

It seems like no matter what i say, no matter how i word things,  how I feel it always seems to be wrong.  I try and try and it doesn't seem like I am getting any further towards the finish line.    It is making me question who i am.  It makes me question what i am trying to achieve.  It makes me question what I am about.  It makes me question everything.  Where am I going wrong? 

Apparently there is a big difference between a slave and a submissive that I am totally clueless about.  My potential whatever just clued me in...  Want to know what it is she said?

a slaves role is to please their dominant only.  thats the only thing a slave will want to do even if they dont like what is happening..... a submissive will want to please themselves as well as a dominant but they dont think of the dominant first there are other distinctions but thats the main one
oh one more thing   a slave doesnt have the right to say no but a submissive can say no to anything they dont want to do


So this is my response in how I feel what she said...

so then by what you are saying me, wanting to be the Domme is not supposed to know how to please you.  And   by me asking you for advice on what and how to please you is wrong.   I see... so then it isn't meant to be because I want to know what you like and dislike and your turn ons and yes even your turn offs and what you want and hope to get out of this relationship as well as what you expect to either learn from me or share with me.    So I am in the wrong to ask this of you.  i apologize for troubling you and i will not ask anything like this or anything at all of you or from you again... please excuse the intrusions.

Where am I going wrong?

All i ever wanted, for as long as i can remember is to be a Domme or Mistress and I knew that it was going to be a difficult thing but it should not be this difficult.


All I want to do now is just give up on my dreams.