Monday, December 20, 2010

Being Hurt

Today I have once again apparently hurt someone that I have never intended in hurting.  However, I have been hurt as well.  I care deeply for this person, and I thought he cared for me.  He says he does, and I believe him but then how can he say he is not going to give something to me because i can't love myself?  I understand that he doesn't want to get hurt himself, I know how he feels, no one wants to get hurt.  I would and hopefully have not hurt him in anyway, until today.

I am so confused as to what to do.  I want to tell my friend how I care for him.  I want to tell my friend that he means a great deal more to me then just a mere friend.  I want to tell him that he is more like my best friend, him and his slave/spouse that is.  I want to tell him that my feelings for him will never change and no matter what he says I will ALWAYS remain his friend.

I am so confused!  What am I supposed to do?  Not be me?  I have never really cared that much for myself.  I have never had any respect for my self.  I don't know how to love myself.  For most of my life all I have had is someone telling me I am not worthy of this that or the other thing...  well guess what? When it is told to you enough and for so long, you tend to believe it.  Then a great friend comes around, like my friend, and starts to make you believe it, and then he takes it all away from you???  What the heck am I supposed to do now?

Do I still continue to love and care for him and his slave/spouse?  That is a BIG DUH question.. Of course I still care and love them both.  I can't stop. 

Friday, December 17, 2010

My Dream

Last night I had a really good dream.  I dreamt this couple that I have become close to, (we will call him MBear, because he is a Master, and she will be called Beauty, no explanation necessary) who happen to live outside of the US, came to visit me and to come to also go to some really big and popular lifestyle party.  This party involved costumes, shows/how-to's and such.  this party was to go on for 3 days.  One of the requirements of the party was everyone had to wear a mask that would cover most of if not all of the participants face. Anyway, I called a mutual friend of ours to come to the party as well. She (we will call her Kitten), was once owned by MBear.  Kitten had no idea that MBear and Beauty were going to be at the party.  I wanted to surprise her, but did not know it was going to be a surprise for everyone the way it ended up.

I met MBear and Beauty at their hotel before the party, to get dressed up.  Beauty made costumes for the three of us, she is a talented seamstress.   They were dressed in what looked like a renaissance time period.  He was dressed as a Lord and she was a Lady and I was the Lady in waiting.  I told them that i would meet them at the party and helped them step into a limosione that I got for them as a surprise.  I got into my car and went and picked up Kitten.  She was dressed in a store bought maids costume.

So we all got to the party and was having a great time. Kitten and I met up with MBear and Beauty, but Kitten didn't know it was them.  You could have cut the sexual tension between MBear, Beauty and I with a knife.  We were really enjoying all of the bare skin, the smell of leather and lotions.  The alcohol was really going to my head and all I kept thinking was I really wanted to be kissed.  So I leaned into Beauty and whispered into her ear, I really would love to be kissed right now.  She leaned into whisper to MBear and he told her to kiss me.  Kitten was shocked about how long the kiss was and she kept looking over at MBear to see if he was going to kiss her, he had no desire to kiss her at all.

After a while of kissing and being touched by Beauty and MBear, I was really wanting to get out of the party for the time being and do something fun.  So I suggested the four of us leave and go back to their hotel room for a bit of fun.  I wanted to make it a surprise for Kitten so as soon as she got into my car, I blindfolded her and tied her hands together in front of her.  She had no idea that we were going to meet up with the other two, it was going to be a surprise. Plus I had no idea what was going to happen once we had gotten there.

We got to the hotel around the same time.  I was directed, not verbally but by a gesture that I was just to stand by the car and wait for either of them to come outside and get us.  Beauty walked up to me and stood extremely close to me, I could smell her shampoo, wow it sure smelled wonderful.  She kissed me, and opened my blouse as to expose my breasts almost to the point of showing off my nipples.  She grabbed the rope that I had in my hands that was tied around Kitten's hands.  She directed me to stay right where I was standing, and she guided Kitten into the room.  I waited for a while, standing in the open night air.  Suddenly I see MBear walking outside towards me.  He kissed me on the cheek and placed a pair of handcuffs around my wrists and attached a chain to it.  He escorted me into the room.  I noticed on the bed was a vast array of whips and dildos and vibrators and floggers and such.  He knew that it was one thing I have really wanted and he was going to give it to me one way or the other.  Also in the room was Kitten tied to a chair in the corner of the room, and Beauty was undressed from the waist up and sitting in the middle of the bed with her legs spread apart and tied to the bottom of the bed.  He directed me to lay down on the bed with my head in Beauty's lap, after I was to get undressed.  MBear grabbed a small flogger and proceeded to use it on me, occasionally using it on Beauty.  He started to go over and use it on Kitten, but realized that it was not the right time.  He wanted to get to using the bigger flogger on me before I

He did this for quiet a bit, switching between the different floggers and paddles.  He looked over at Kitten and noticed she was squirming in her seat waiting for what she thought was going to be her turn.  He walks over and removes her blindfold, she looked up at him and noticed he still had on his mask, and so does Beauty but mine was removed.  Kitten tries to see who they are behind the masks.  After a little while of playing with Beauty and myself, Kitten speaks up and asks if she was ever going to get a turn.  He looks at her and shakes his head as if to say no and continues with what he was doing. 

Kitten starts to whine and squirm even more, that is when he tells her to close her eyes and he removes his mask and the mask Beauty is wearing.  Then directs Kitten to reopen her eyes and she is not to close them until he says so.When she does open her eyes she noticed who all was in the room, and she starts to cry.

MBear, Beauty and I play for what seems like 5 hours, touching, kissing, licking, spanking and screwing each other and listening to her cry and whine and beg.

Then I suddenly got woken up from my dream. 

What do you think it meant for me to have her in that situation?  What do you think it meant to have them in my dream?  I look forward to find out...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

OK I know I have been bad

Okay so it has been a week since I went on vacation, back home, to see the man I truly love.  I asked him to marry me within the first hour of the visit.  Then he asked me.  We both exchanged rings, it really was sweet.  The one thing I truly loved about his moment was the "signs" I had received from my dad.  For about a month before the trip, I had been trying to get a sign my from my dad (who even though has been passed away for almost 5 years still has a big say in my life), and I finally got not just one but two signs.  They are something special to me that I would rather not share with everyone but I will tell you this they are two VERY BIG signs.

Then after that we really didn't do much but then again we did.  I got to go to my first MMA fight.  I was pretty excited about that.  I am hooked!  But it really should be in person to truly enjoy it.  I had a really good time being with the man I love, his daughter and his brother. 

Then the next day we went and just drove around for a little bit, wanted to go to the cemetery, wanted to go to the festival that was going on but I guess it wasn't meant to be for us to go to that at that particular time. We went to see his best friends son's football game.  That was fun.  Went to the festival that night.  But before that I finally got to meet then son of the man I truly love.  That was great, even though it was really a short meeting.  I wanted to get to know him more, maybe some other time.

Well then that Sunday came really fast.  We went to meet up with his best friend and family for a little while.  Then we went to the airport.  Well they over booked the flight and so I had to go on standby.  We sat in the waiting area for a few minutes and that was the hardest time of it all, because I just didn't want to go and he didn't want to let me go, at least that is the impression I got from the tone in his voice. 

Didn't get to make the flight, had to stay at his best friends house.  That was nice but then again it was hard because my love was so close and yet so far away.

It has now been exactly one week since I have seen him and it has been the longest week in the history of the world.  I miss him so much and I have realized that I just don't belong here.  How can I just tell my children that I am going to leave and I will always be here for them?  They just don't understand how I feel and how I have felt for a very long time.  All they see is that their parents live in the same house and fight over every little thing in the world. 

Long story short...  I got a very nice promise ring, I gave a very nice promise ring, I got to meet some people, I got to see a fight and a game, I got to enjoy the smells and sounds and sites of my home town again... and I fell in love over again.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Day of High Emotions

I know I haven't written in a few days but nothing has been worth writing about until today.

I have had nothing but up and deep down emotions running through me all day today.  It started off with when the man that I love told me that his daughter has turned on him and has moved back in with her mother because her mother has money and he can only provide a roof, food, electricity, water and loads and loads of love.  He would do anything for her and she doesn't see that at all.  All she sees is that her mother can and has bought the love of the daughter that she once had placed a restraining order against her one and only daughter to come within 25 feet of their house.  And his daughter seems to forget who was there to pick up the pieces when her mother told her daughter that she hated her and didn't want to have anything to do with her. 


Then not too long after that I spoke to the man I love and he was talking to some girl he works with and he was being passionate about something they were discussing and he actually said out loud that he is, "A SINGLE hetrosexual man and didn't really care to watch certain t.v. shows."  A SINGLE man?  A single man!?!?!  It just wounded me pretty badly.

THEN!   I was watching one of my favorite television shows and it was about this child who's father had a heart attack and it put him into a coma.  The child was having a very hard time dealing with it.  Well my father died 4 1/2 years ago.  I didn't get to say anything to him "good-bye" is not my favorite word.  I absolutely HATE it!  So I was having a very hard time watching the show because the child was given the chance to say things to his father that i wished I could have said to mine.... while he could still hear them.  I miss him terribly.

NOW... i am having an argument with a friend about how she drinks to deal with the pains in her life... her future potential Master giving her a hard time... her previous Master still having an affect on her daily activities and how much she still cares for him... and how she is having problems with her children and she doesn't want to listen to the ONE friend that is telling her like it is and to get not only the child but the rest of her family the help that they all need...  And I swear if she says "sorry" to me one more time I am going to let her have it with both barrels, no holds bared!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A Very Nice Day

Today was a very good day.  I had a good day at work.  I filled out the application for the position that I was offered.  I found out that the girl that I replaced was coming back to take my place.  I know I probably shouldn't care but I can't help but think she had something to do with it.  So I have to look at moving into this newly created job position as a good time and good work experience.  I only hope that she doesn't make me look bad about the job I have been doing these past few months.  I am sure that she will do some of that but I just can't care, because I know she will be doing it to make herself look better.

On another note, I just wanted to say that I absolutely adore my new friends.  Both of them have been honest, faithful, caring, NON-judgmental, fun, and I am grateful to have them in my life.  I just wish the other people(two in particular) could just see how they are in my eyes.  It just makes me crazy to hear how others talk to them, upset them and/or disrespect them.  I want to just take the others and just slap them into reality and tell them how much they are hurting my friends.

Well it is one week until I go on my trip.  I am very nervous and very excited in the same breathe.  I am sure that all of my worries will eventually be subsided but there is one GIANT fear that I hope to be proven wrong.

Anyway, I had a pretty good day today.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Promise

Tonight I finally wrote my promise out, to the man I love and want to grow older with.  It is a bit long, and maybe a bit corny but it comes straight from the heart.  I want to share it with someone, to get their opinion, but unfortunately she is sleeping right now. Her opinion means a lot to me and I can't wait to hear what she thinks.  I am going to email it to her as soon as I am done with my blog.

The last few days, I have been really down on myself.  I can't explain why except for the fact that I just don't feel like a good person.  Like I am not worthy of many many many things.  I feel like I am just going through the motions of life and not having any kind of love returned to me.

How do I change it?  I don't know.  When will it change?  I can only hope that my trip is the one thing that will help me change my outlook on life.

Monday, September 27, 2010

A Week Gone By

Well a week has gone by and let me fill you in on what has been going on in my life...

Wednesday was nothing exciting.  No really...  i have been trying to figure out where I belong in the world and what my meaning is on this earth and so far I have not come up with an idea or an answer.  I try and try and try to get people to understand how i feel and what it is I am wanting answers for.

Who am I?  What is my purpose of being here?  Is it just to be a mom?  What about being a wife? What about being a friend?  Am i just supposed to be a slave for the rest of my life?  What about my dreams?  What about my desires? What about my wishes and wants?  Am I supposed to just bow down and allow others to fulfill their dreams, desires, wishes, and wants before i fulfill mine?  Well guess what that is how i feel I am supposed to live my life.  Make others happy before I am happy. A lot of times I feel like my needs, are either second rate or non-existent.  When is it going to be my turn?

So Thursday I found out that there are more and more rumors going on about me changing my job position.  I have been told to deny anything and everything about it.  I have been even approached by someone that had heard the rumor, and i had to lie to that person and say i didn't know anything about what they were talking about. 

Well tonight I did it!  i finally broke things off with my potential slave.  I found out that she was looking for someone else to be her "daddy".  AND she was proud of the fact that she was talking to him and she claims she told me all about talking to him.  And i told her that I was tired of being lied to... i told her i am tired of being constantly let down and then I am also constantly tired of hearing the words... "i'm sorry"... half the time I don't know if she really is apologetic or just saying it as if to pat me on the head and shut me up.  I am tired of waiting around for her to get over the extremely strong feelings she had for MY Master.  she was in love with the man and he was not the only taken Master she has been in love with.  I told her it is over and that we are only friends..

Friday night I was not feeling good... I had physical therapy an d it went well  but i was getting a terrible headache so I went to bed super early.  so work went alright, nothing exciting, then physical therapy, came... he gave me a couple more exercises and then I got tapped you across my back (Like a giant "X" in the middle of my back done by tape.

Saturday came along and it was almost a nice day, I got to sleep late, 0830.  Got more of the laundry separated but not started, and just surfed the internet as well as got caught up on some reading.  It was nice, even though we went to his parents house.  We had fun, we got to watch the football game,  college teams, separate and yet equally good teams and we had fun doing it.  had a about a bottle of wine to drink and it was really nice to finally let my hair down.

Got home and went straight to bed.  I was getting my headache back for some reason and It was going into play full force.  I went to bed and eventually i got to talk to my other Master.  He was getting excited and was getting me excited about the trip I am going to make in 12 days.

Sunday... aaa hhh Sunday... laundry day, and cleaning house day... blah!!  The boys went outside to work in the yard while I sat inside the house, did laundry and did some more surfing on the internet.  The boys decided that playing and fixing things in the yard was not their cup of tea so they decided that I was going to make homemade chicken noodle soup.  It is not a difficult thing to do.  Heck the most difficult thing to do is remember where I put the stupid recipe for the noodles.  haha...

Well the soup was done and man was it good!!!  I think I had two big bowls full of it.  After supper the man I live with decided to make a joke and holler for me to meet him upstairs.  he looked at me dead in the face and said, "come here and have dirty sex with me..."  he should know that in 20 years of our relationship together, that like does not work for me, when he says it...  I don't want to have sex with the man and he can't seem to get that through his thick skull! So I giggled and walked back down stairs.  bluck!

Went to bed early so i could be awake to talk to the man I love and it was a very fun conversation.  I told him that when I come out there that i wanted to kiss him, and have a long talk with him.  That made him really nervous because he didn't know what it meant when I said that.  Little does he know that all i wanted to do is just make him a little bit nervous but I will tell you that I accidentally made him a lot nervous.

All in all this past few days, mostly the weekend, I did not get to talk to a couple of friends of mine because they were not home and I was busy as to not being on my chats.  I sure did miss them very much, even though I was busy and I know they were busy too.  i really enjoy talking to them a lot.