Blah! That is how I feel about myself and my life today. Blah! I felt like I did not belong inside my own body. Blah! I have felt like I am sitting outside my physical body and was just looking in. Blah! I try and bring myself up but then I get pushed right back down! Blah! All I wanted to do today is just lay in bed and not get dressed nor do anything but watch tv and/or read. Blah!
Today we went to a place called the Levee. It is down by the Ohio River. I absolutely do not like the water at all. I can not put my face in the water even when i am in the shower. So for me to even go near the river was a big step. Did anyone notice that? NO! What happened instead? I was taken by the hand and was escorted to look at the big river paddle boats. THEY ARE ON THE RIVER! I don't even like driving on a bridge over the water and i am taken over to look at them!!! Then I started to back up away from the ledge, even though there is another wall before you even get close to the water, I got made fun of. I am sure that it was out of good humor so I could relax, however i could not get over the fact that the water was RIGHT there.
I know I didn't used to be that way. I used to love to go to the beach. I used to love to go swimming, even though I was not a very strong swimmer. What did me in was when I tried to walk into the ocean and never come out again. Yes I mean I tried to kill myself, so my children had a better life without their crazy mother around them. I am glad I did not succeed. However it is days like today i wonder what i am doing here.
I am sure there is a higher being that has an answer to that, I just wish I could find out what it is....
Don't feel sorry for me. This is how my life is and has been for a very long time... I just can't wait until I am at a point in my life where I can change it.
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